‘Just be yourself’ is one of the worst bits of relationship advice you can give to someone who’s single and wondering how to get a boyfriend.
Obviously I’m not saying you should turn into a completely different person, but everyone should be looking to improve themselves.
Whether you’re an adult, in high school or college, we should all be constantly enriching our lives where we can.
People always say there’s plenty more fish in the sea. If you’re bleeding (metaphorically haemorrhaging insecurity or any other negative traits) you’ll only attract sharks.
It’s all very good me writing about ‘mindset’ and ‘self-improvement’.
But how do you achieve results?
Below are some clear tips and easy to achieve action points that will have you falling in love with yourself and help you find a boyfriend along the way.
Table of Contents
1. Get Confident (Tips from Social Psychologist Amy Cuddy)
There is one thing that comes above all other characteristics in terms of attractiveness. It rates above beauty, humour, appearance; and that’s confidence.
Humans are pack animals. Our instincts want us to be around people who are strong, because in the past the strength of your tribe would be life or death.
If you’re confident, people will gravitate towards you. Their base instincts will want you as part of their pack.
Getting confidence is easy if you know one simple trick.
Fake it till you make it.
It sounds silly, but it works.
Imagine you’re on a date. You’re sat across from a guy. Your brain freezes up and what’s the emotion you start to feel?
Stress releases the hormone cortisol which causes fatigue, headaches, weight gain and even intestinal problems.
Do you think your body wants to be doing this to itself? Nope!
So, when you give your mind an escape, no matter how silly, it will take anything it can get.
Amy Cuddy is an American social psychologist, author and speaker. She is a big believer in ‘power posing’. This is a technique where you change your body language to control your mindset, instead of letting your mind control your body. Watch her TED talk here.
Give your brain an escape by literally pretending to be someone else. Take on their posture and gestures- this will help you start the technique of ‘power posing’. Copy the body language of a person who just oozes confidence.
At first, pretending will feel weird and stupid.
But your subconscious brain will catch on quickly. This kick starts a positive cycle of the date going well and stress levels reducing.
Then, over time, your brain will start to realise ‘hang on, being confident isn’t hard or scary!’ You will be able to start stop pretending and do it naturally.
Pretending to be someone else will just help you shed the insecurities that are holding you down, and it will leave space to reveal the real, confident you.
Amy Cuddy talks about this more here.
This is one of the easiest little tips to help improve your confidence. This is a great tool to use on dates, but is also great if you find yourself in an awkward social situation in high school, have to give a presentation in college or if you need to stand up for yourself at work.
To learn more about how power posing can boost your confidence, click here.
Shallon Lester (A YouTuber who gives great relationship and confidence advice) has some other great tips in her video: How To Fake Confidence & Beat Anxiety.
2. Interesting People Have Interests
You know what a long-term relationship mainly is? Empty time.
After the honeymoon phase, eventually you have to sit with each other in your living room and talk.
If you don’t make sure your life is enriched enough, all your relationships will start to get dull extremely fast.
So, get out there and create some memories to talk about!
Learn about some new topics that give you opinions. It will make you a much more interesting person, with or without a boyfriend.
If you are short on time / money, here are some things you can try:
- Cheap museums
- Volunteer somewhere
If you can afford it, one of the best bits of relationship advice is TRAVEL TRAVEL TRAVEL.
– Go by yourself, even though it might seem scary this will force you to grow in confidence and spend your time on things YOU want to do. Even though it’s not for everyone, it’s a great way to learn about yourself.
– Stop going abroad just to get drunk. It’s fun once or twice, but no one really cares about your 3-day bender to Ibiza.
– Go with the right friends. Choose the ones that will want to go to the museums and learn about the culture.
– You don’t have to go abroad. Wherever you live, there will always be something to go and learn about close by.
The more you do with your life, the more you’ll learn. You’ll develop your own opinions and memories to talk about on those awkward dinner dates or quiet Tuesday nights at home.
This is why relationships in high school or in college can work so perfectly at the time, but then not last later on in life. You’re no longer having your time filled for you.
We all know those people who just play video games, go to work or school, go get drunk then sleep and repeat. You wouldn’t want to date these people long term.
Be the person you want to date.
3. How To Get a Boyfriend? Tackle insecurity
If you have specific things that are making you insecure, you MUST tackle these first before you leap into dating.
There is nothing toxic men can sense more than insecurity.
It makes you much easier to manipulate and you’re more likely to put up with them treating you badly. If you’re insecure it makes you feel like you don’t deserve the very best.
You do deserve the very best.
There are two main ways to tackle insecurity, you just have to choose the right one for your issue.
Method One: FIX THE ISSUE
There is so much focus on ‘self-acceptance’ these days that it seems to shame women that want to just fix their problems.
For example, if you have a mole you hate, just get it taken off. If you have acne, invest in some good skincare and wear some makeup if it makes you feel better. There is no shame in modifying your body the way you want to.
However, you must make sure this is absolutely the right method for you. Keep reading to find out how you decide.
Method Two: TRAIN YOUR BRAIN
If you have something that makes you insecure, go online and find someone inspirational with the same condition.
Whether this be disability, acne, background or whatever, I can promise you there will be inspiring people with the same condition as you.
Find these people and become their biggest fan! Read & watch any speeches they give, research their achievements. They won’t have come from a different starting place than you. This will be solid proof that you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Again, it’s all about training your unconscious brain. Show your brain these facts and images and the magic will start to happen.
How To Choose Between The Two Methods
If you can, ask your friends and family who know you the best. Try to ask several people to get an overall opinion on the situation. Before doing any permanent changes to yourself such as surgery, really evaluate which route is best for you.
Some helpful articles to help you on that decision is linked below:
4. Be Open Minded / Find Your Deal Breakers
The problem with things like religion and politics is that it really can make you believe the other side is evil.
When really, every person has a reason for believing in something.
Even if you don’t agree with someone’s reasons, listen and you might learn something.
And hey, if you don’t learn anything and they really are evil, that’s no loss to you!
Take the time to listen to what other people have to say. Be respectful and don’t try to change their mind.
I see so many people lose out on amazing relationships, just because
‘He supports a different political party to me’
‘He has this opinion about this topic’.
On the other hand, if you really feel strongly that this person’s views need to match yours, then you’re entitled to that!
I’m just saying don’t be that person on Facebook posting things like ‘screw *political party*, anyone who supports them is ignorant’ or anything like that.
It’s cutting off some great people and you are just isolating yourself.
5. Have High Standards & Be Unapologetic
Once you have found your dealbreakers – stick to them!
When I met one of my closest friends, one of the first things she said to me is ‘I love my boyfriend because he treats me like a princess, and he should do’.
If someone does something you are not happy with, get rid of them.
The faster you get rid of the people who aren’t meeting your needs, the faster you’ll find the one who does.
I want someone to be thoughtful, to pay for dates, to cook for me, to be taller than me, to respect my career, etc.
Some of these may seem harsh or shallow, but it’s what I want and that’s okay! Not everyone’s list will match their best friends- thank god or we’d all be going after the same guys!
It’s not like I’ve shown my boyfriend this list and said, ‘this is what I expect, do it or I’ll dump you’.
He does these things organically.
Even if one guy doesn’t reach these criteria, there will be another one who will.
If someone is shorter than me, a bad cook or can’t drive I’m not saying that they are unlovable! Not at all. They just don’t fit my version of prince charming, and that is okay. I guarantee they will fit someone else’s.
6. Don’t Except Long Term Excuses
Imagine you found the perfect boyfriend, but he got made redundant and couldn’t pay for dates for a while. Should you dump him? No.
You know why? Because good guys will work out their problems and would be back on their feet in no time.
What you shouldn’t do is settle for things like
‘sorry I can’t pay for the date, I’ve been out of work for 5 years because of my anxiety’
‘sorry I get angry and moody with you all the time; I’ve got anger problems from *insert any excuse here”
This might sound harsh but hear me out.
Of course, I would date someone with anxiety or any other type of issue. Everyone has problems in their life.
I just refuse to date people who aren’t doing anything to fix their problems.
There’s nothing more frustrating than someone who is constantly complaining and not doing anything to fix the problem.
Women need to know it’s not their responsibility to nurse men back to health. Men worth dating will sort out their own problems.
Even if they’re in high school or college, there’s still no excuse to not sort out their issues. If their issues mean they are a terrible boyfriend- they shouldn’t be dating! They should be fixing themselves first.
Don’t fall subject to guilt. A man’s problems, no matter how bad they are, are never yours to fix or lower your standards for.
Stop focusing on ‘I need to find the perfect guy’
and start asking,
‘Am I in love with myself?’
Pushing people away may feel counter intuitive when you’re trying to find love, but really that’s the only way to filter through to the good guys.
It doesn’t make you mean, selfish or crazy if you have high standards.
When you practice self-improvement, you will start to care less if you have a boyfriend or not! You will start to be in love with yourself and that will be enough.
That, irritatingly enough, is when the right man will walk into your life.
What do you think of this advice? Let us know in the comments below!